Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Jurassic Park 4


I present to you a 100% fake spoilers list of what will occur in the recently announced Jurassic Park 4 film.  If you follow my posts or simply have the misfortune of knowing me personally (har har) you will know what the Jurassic Park franchise means to me.  It’s no doubt if I had to be any other creature in this world of ours we call Earth I’d be a velociraptor.  You might be thinking why I would create such a harsh set of events to occur in the fourth installment though, well again if you know me than you know I have tendencies to try hard to be humorous.  I fail at times but I succeed often enough to be deemed, dare I say, funny.  I laughed myself stupid, if that’s possible, typing out these ridiculous scenarios.  Are they the most creative possibilities imaginable?  I’d answer a quick no.  I’m not the only creative mind on this Earth and I implore you to add some of your own below because I love a good poke of fun at the things you otherwise think are untouchable.  Those books, shows, or moments in your life that you feel to be sacred but have always wanted to slip the tongue and wonder why a script was once made for raptors to be trained to fire automatic machine guns.  I answer to that – why not make the velociraptors zombies as well or the overly popular vampire velociraptors.  Enjoy the post and please don’t drink soda while you read unless you like the burning sensation of it through your nose.

John Hammond as a cyborg – What we didn’t know was Mr. Hammond recovered Robert Muldoon’s dead lifeless hand and teased pursuing velociraptors with it as they escaped in a jeep at the end of the original film.  Hammond was seen with his body still intact but that was added with computer effects as the scene was cut due to the disgusting nature of it.  Imagine if you will Hammond leaning outside the jeep feeding the velociraptors like it was Jaws or something.  Steven Spielberg declined comment.

Dr. Grant as a foul mouthed alcoholic – After his last venture to a dinosaur infested island Dr. Grant receives publicity but not the kind he thought he might get.  The media, as it often does, spun the series of prehistoric events Grant has been troubled with as a desperate cry for funding for his digging.  Nobody would support his paleontology anymore and accused him crazier than Ian Malcolm.  After learning that he hit the bottle hard and ultimately was involved in the disappearance of Billy (you know, his right hand man from JP3).  It was never proven Billy was murdered but Grant was quoted as saying, “If a pteranodon (the flying dinosaur for the commoner) can’t kill him then what makes you think I could?”

Dr. Malcolm, the gay elementary school teacher – He has a catastrophic meltdown as chaos theory is proven to be a hoax for its inherent nature of destroying the notion that complex ideals will collapse on themselves.  It is later proven that dinosaurs are responsible for that which leads Dr. Malcolm to pursue the opposite direction for his life.  He abandons mathematics, black and gray cloths, humor and his own natural sexual preference to become a homosexual art teacher in a public elementary school.  Instead of solving math equations he decides to join a profession (art) where there is no wrong way to perform it, burns his black and gray clothing in exchange for anything showing the colors of the rainbow and ditches humor for a mere lisp.

Vince Vaughn being lasered to death by velociraptors with "friggin lasers on their heads" – Nick Van Owen (Vince Vaughn) is back and ready to get the big moment he was robbed of in Jurassic Park the Lost World.  He reportedly wanted his chance to photograph a velociraptor in the flesh but was held against his will to flee for his life on a helicopter.  Now the velociraptors are back and have laser mounted guns on top of their heads and have him in their sights.  Escape is impossible but he does get one photograph of them before he meets his fate that turns out to be later stolen by Roland and sold for millions.  Roland was caught up with in Europe as saying, “The bastard stole my bullets when I was hunting the tyrannosaur, one good turn deserves another.”

Tim & Lex discover John Hammond is their father – The reality hits them when, after so many years, that pursuing knowledge of dinosaurs can’t be stopped.  Tim and Lex find themselves burying themselves in books to learn anything dinosaur.  The worst began to occur when they started to prefer tropical climates and living outside scavenging for food.  It was later revealed at InGen that they are clones of the original Tim and Lex (with traces of Hammond’s DNA) who were killed in a horrific car crash in their toddler years.  Hammond took their DNA and blended it with dinosaur DNA thus bringing them back to life.  The result is as maturity progresses they are discovering they are more and more dinosaur then they originally thought.  Tim first discovered that when browsing in a pet store he shot a venomous spit from his mouth to hit an unsuspecting animal.  The last reports of them are only that they were last seen on a boat headed toward Las Cinco Muertes (the five deaths).

William H. Macy reveals he is Ned Flanders – How this relates to Jurassic Park is by technicality only.  Paul Kirby (Macy) notices he resembles a certain animated cartoon character and wishes to know the truth once and for all.  He goes to all sorts of genetic laboratories across the country until he arrives at one owned by Hammond.  He discovered the shocking news that he was originally a cartoon character named Ned Flanders and was successfully genetically transferred into reality.  He believes it to be true since he has no memory prior to Jurassic Park 3 but only in dreams of saying, “Okilee-dokiely.”

Dennis Nedry comes back to life as a zombie – This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone considering all the zombie/vampire flicks out there in recent years.  Dennis Nedry, only partially eaten by the dilophosaurus but nonetheless dead, reanimates to life as the embryos he stole somehow enter his body causing unexpected results.  He is captured by scientists and eats Mr. Ludlow (Hammond's nephew for you lax JP fans) in a horrific experiment gone terribly awry.  Ludlow was only partially digested by the baby rex and found alive in rancid condition on the deck of the ship that transported the adult rex and baby rex back to the islands.  Nedry broke free of the lab and remains on the loose.

Rex sits on a toilet while the spinosaurus eats him off of it – The baby rex from The Lost World, who irritated us all with that terrible cry, is reaching the potty training years.  One night as a torrential downpour is ‘happening’ it locates a toilet to relieve itself.  The baby rex limps slowly while dragging its leg.  As the baby rex enjoys the comfort of mankind’s modern plumbing system the ferocious spinosaurus, upon smelling the defecation of the baby rex’s stool, get’s an easy meal.  This twist of fortune for the rex family should come as no surprise considering M. Night Shyamalan will be indeed directing his first Jurassic film.

Robert Muldoon obtains a dragonball – Muldoon returns from the afterlife upon attaining the magnificent crystal ball that resurrects anybody.  I’m not sure how a dragonball works but Muldoon deserves a second chance.  He returns in the flesh to blow the crap out of zombie Nedry and end his horrible existence once and for all.  He then sets off to hunt down the beast in this treacherous world that managed to best him, the velociraptor.  How clever he has become will be the only question left to be answered.

Free for all – Dr. Sattler, Sarah Harding and Amanda Kirby (Tea Leoni) have a three way death match proving who the most worthless female character in the franchise.  The battle rages as Sattler uses the prehistoric venom of plants to blind her adversaries, Harding insists she correctly fixed the baby rex’s leg and Kirby simply runs around screaming while flailing her arms.  It’s a critical moment in the film you will have to see to believe.

Nick Van Owens detailed demise - After being lasered to death by velociraptors Vince Vaughn gets trampled by stampeding triceratops then picked up by pteranodons to be feed to their babies while the scraps are eaten by lowly procompsognathus (compy’s to the commoner) beneath the high standing pteranodon nest.  Do you accuse me of not being an admirer of Vince Vaughn?  Well if that’s what you were thinking than I’m glad I made it so obvious. 

Mr. Arnold (Sam Jackson, again for you lax peoples out there) reemerges – Arnold was never dead in that bunker he was last seen in, although he does have one arm missing.  His anger and rage are directed at Muldoon who he doesn’t know died but is back to life anyway to have a final showdown with him for not escorting him safely to the shed in the first place.  Arnold never finds Muldoon but finds himself in a similar situation Muldoon was in against the velociraptors.  Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t think they’re clever girls but rather, “You %$*& @#$% piece #@$@ snakes *#(#$* ahhhhhhh!”  Muldoon then shot the unsuspecting velociraptor in the back of the head completing his vengeance.

The finale consists of the island being over-run with this apparent disastrous turn of events mentioned above leaving everyone horribly dead except for Dr. Grant since nobody bribed him to come to the island for a 3rd time - he lives a miserable 50 more years as the oldest drunk ever recorded in the history of mankind.

The true question is why even bother with a fourth film after so long a time period.  I’d rather see a fresh take on it with a new plot and characters for the new generation of viewers.  It was a solid trilogy in its time but I can’t see where a fourth would lead us.  It’s been many a failed script these last ten years and if they couldn’t continue the story by now then it probably won’t work out.  Sometimes an audience demanding a sequel isn’t the correct motivation to make one unless money is involved but even then you could start over. 

The third film ended so horribly that you’d have to assume the military would be involved in some fashion which would just destroy the vibe the entire franchise has.  The more people know about these islands the more attention it will draw and the natural world feel to it will be gone.  Perhaps we can say Jurassic Park 4 – Dinosaur Survivor Island!  Who wouldn’t love seeing reality “stars” being eaten?  I may be onto something. 

A few links to other Jurassic Park articles I've wrote including, movie reviews.